Casual Acquaintances Need Our Advice

(I wrote this around 14th or 16th May 2010. Never posted it here cause didn't have internet at home back then and addressee pissed me off about something. Found it couple of days ago in the backups. It is terribly drafted and i couldn't be bothered to modify. Putting it up here for the record).


Dear Casual Acquaintance at Work,

                                                         So yea past couple of weeks have been crazy you know. Cause I got to know you a little more. And knowing you a little more was a lot more crazy than I would’ve thought. But life is crazy and I am Crazy with a capital C. And you are not crazy; you are just like the first 20 degrees in the arc of the C of Crazy with capital C. So yea, you see what I mean.

Anyway don’t even get me started on the subject of relationships and how two people make a special bond and decide to spend the rest of their lives together forever. Through thick and thin, bread and butter, rain and sunshine, china and melamine, heaven and hell, sharing soaps and shower gel, and all. But I don’t want to delve in that realm because I can paint some dreary pictures. One thing I’d still say is, either everybody is special or there is nobody special. By which I actually mean is that, all I am saying is that in any given space or time, (well not particularly space, I mean here on any city on earth, like a good city, like ours and by time I mean, like time, evening or 8 PM, maybe Friday), there is a mind boggling number of very adorable and very desirable young women out there. They just happen to slip by unnoticed or just don’t invite us to their sinful soirees. But yea its happening, MAN, just like global warming.

Anyway so yea, you know how I digress when I talk and beat around the bush a lot. (Which is an actual idiom and not a euphemism for you know what). So yea past weeks, I personally found them disturbing, certain terms of your engagement. Firstly and foremostly you know what. And I am just not going to mention it. Secondly that the girl is VERY smart and doesn’t wish to go to college. I’d just leave that to you too, just to give you a sleepless night. But it’s not about her.

It’s about you. Well, don’t ever tell anyone that you plan to have four children and then give them reasons as to why four. Because one kid will be lonely and will get messed because of solitude, two kids will just team up against you (WHOAT?) and three is just an ODD number (and you don’t like odd numbers) and four is the first (fuckin’) even number after three. Plus as you said, the number of children you’re going to raise is partly dependent upon your spouse (as SHE has bear to them and its called BEARING them for a reason).

And don’t ever dare describing certain postures adopted during copulation to ME or ANYBODY. D’ya fuckin’ hear me. ANYBODY. We all know them, they have been around ever since Adam and Eve and trust me Adam and Eve were here a very very long time ago. And surprisingly you don’t believe much in religions and you are protecting your fiance’s picture from the evil eye. A little naively superstitious some would say. On the plus side, if you tell this to the lady in question here, she’ll think that this is the most romantic thing possible on the face of the earth and will be like, totally on to you. Women, a little less endowed in the head, aren’t they.

Well then, you don’t need even need that hair gel and hair cut that you have been obsessing about for so long now. Despite of my repeated repeatings, you are more capable of being a success with women (need I say woman, now) than I have ever been. And I have had a fair share of luck, on a day or two. And since you are reading this, do you know how few people read this, do you think it’s random that you get to read what I wrote. And be it four or two or octuplets (whichever is the word for having 8 babies at a time) you will be great, (just don’t wish them all to become programmers) and like I said before you will always be favorite with them ladies. I don’t lie man. So yea, there’s lucky girl you’ve got there and not the other way around.

Anyway, sorry for being so mean to you in past few days. I’ve been low I know, plus Oma really helps. But you know what you’ve been acting weird with us. And do you know why, cause you’re bloody in love now. So yea here’s to you two, and a prayer to see you both cruise through the solace, serenity and the promised sanctuaries.

All the best.

Yours Vehemently,
 Thoth.



PS: You fuckin’ share this, and I’ll fuckin’ fuck you up so bad, that you’ll fuckin’ wish that you never fuckin’ knew me.
PPS: Much love.
PPPS: I have some interesting ideas about your future evenings. We shall discuss soon.